Dear Cafe Owner

Hi there,

I know it’s coming up to Christmas and you’re super busy, but I swear on the all the tinsel in Tescos, I’m losing the will to live with your shoddy offerings.

First up, can we talk about the tea.  I know that the cool kids are drinking a double frappa cinnamon snowflake with a candy cane twist, but I just need a really good cup of tea.  And by that I mean a hot beverage that tastes of tea and isn’t just lukewarm brown water with some milk slopped in it.

We’ve managed to put an Englishman in a B&B orbiting the earth.  Is it beyond the wit of man to serve an Englishwoman a decent cup of our national beverage.  In England? In a teapot that doesn’t spill the contents all over the table?

And speaking of cinnamon.  Can I let you into a wee secret?  I detest the stuff. Except for a cautious smidgen in an apple pie or Christmas pudding, of course.  But 3 teaspoons sprinkled onto a cinnamon flavoured ham sandwich.  Not so much.

So I’ll just take some toast.  Of course you don’t have gluten free, but I’ll take the hit because I’ve been wrestling bears avoiding little old ladies in John Lewis and I am, quite frankly, ready to gnaw the branches off of the upside down trees.  Ah….cafe toast.  Or, more appropriately, cafe toast and the lack of butter.

One little pat of butter does not cover one slice of bread.  It’s a mathematical certainty up there with e=mc2.  Or if the butter does cover the toast, we have another conversation to have, Mr Scrooge.  Please don’t make me get up again, fight my way back through the bears little old ladies to the counter to be told that you charge extra for extra butter. What happened to the season of goodwill?

What….you’re out of toast?  At 10am?  Oh, you’ve been busy? Christmas took you by surprise this year did it? In that case, do you have anything else that isn’t covered in cinnamon and/or isn’t stale?


Didn’t think so.

Bah humbug!

12 Responses to Dear Cafe Owner

  1. God you had me snorting with laughter! So, so true! Big Man was perplexed when we first started coming to England why we couldn’t order things that weren’t on the menu even though they had the “component” ingredients for other dishes. Or why coffee had to be so weak and served in half litre containers….best to stick to the wine methinks 😉

  2. Marianne says:

    Ho ho ho, someone is having a good time 😉 I hope you left this letter for him at the counter!

    • Pendle Stitches says:

      Honestly it is every. single. cafe at the moment. Shopping at this time of year is grim enough without this nonsense. Bah humbug! 😉

  3. Hahaha! That is so true. Sounds pretty typical for everywhere. Its pretty rare to go out and get a good cuppa. Sorry you had such a rubbish time. Xx

    • Pendle Stitches says:

      It’s first world problems, I know. But it’s not that hard to make a decent cuppa. I used to visit a lovely tea shop that made the best tea and coffee and home made cakes. Sadly the owner retired and the new owners are clueless. The hunt is on for a new favourite tea shop. It’s a dirty job, but someone has to do it!

  4. K-Line says:

    Oh, fun times. And I HATE cinnamon on drinks also. Egad. Does everything need to taste like a tree??

  5. Kim Hood says:

    Oh dear. I agree with the need for a good cup of tea. Particularly if you have been wrestling bears. Sorry, old ladies. Quite truthfully given the abilities of old ladies city think I would rather take on a bear!🚷
    Good luck finding a new tea room, and have a very merry Christmas.

  6. Jane G says:

    I am so with you on the tea, most of it is undrinkable when you go out

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